You’re such an asshole!

June 8, 2011

Being in my tomcat phase I have the frequent opportunity to exercise my verbal martial arts in response to the endless stream of shit tests coming my way. As the betasattva, time freezes for me and all at once I see, in slow motion, the natural beta response which would cause disappointment and loss of attraction in the girl, and an array of possible alpha responses, of which I usually choose the funniest one — to me, anyway. This happened the other day:

Aspiring starlet: “I’m trying to lose about 30 lbs.” (she is 19, 5’6″, and weighs 130).

Beta response: “Oh no, you look great.”
Result: wrinkled nose, inching me toward the friend zone, escalated shit tests

Alpha response: “Yeah, you are a bit hippy.”
Alpha response: “I was going to say…”
Alpha response: (pause…reach over and pat her belly…sad, sober, slow nod.)
Result: “You’re such an asshole!” She looks up and grins, wide-eyed, as she says it and you can smell a wave of musky pheromones being released as she starts tingling for you.

Aspiring starlet: “What do you think about tattoos? I was thinking of getting one.”

Beta response: “Oh yeah, a lot of girls are getting them. What were you thinking of getting?”
Beta response: “Oh no, why would you want to mark up that perfect body?”

Alpha response: (pause, look her up and down) “I suppose if you really want to you could get my name tattooed, but it might be embarrassing after I break up with you.”
Alpha response: “They’re ugly and get uglier as you get older.”
Result “You’re such an asshole!” Grin, eyes, wet.

When I was younger I would sometimes observe men saying and doing things I thought were outrageous and rude. I distanced myself from them and made a mental note never to behave that way myself.

It took far, far too long for me to realize I should have been learning from these assholes.

 

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